Damn

I got an F in the last test I took at school. That is to mean, I'm fckd up, and the only way I can stay at my school is with a "Conditional" status. I'd foreseen something like this would happen. Well, my life is going to turn into shit now, 'cause my father, mother, sister (yes, my sister too), teachers and even some schoolmates are gonna kick the shit out of me if I dont have "A" in every single subject every month this year. It stinks, but I stink anyways so fck it all!!!

I bet my dad'll yell at me, and will be asking every single shit every single day at school... and yell at me every day, too. That's bad for his health, and that bothers my 'cause I'm quite a pain for my family right now... I've always been. Sometimes I wonder why I haven't been thrown out of my house yet.

I happen to remember more bad things done for the family than good ones; more anger/sadness than laughter/happiness... I deserve this shit to happen to me, despite that I studied a lot I had to fail those tests... maybe I did something in a life before this one and I must pay... maybe I must pay what I've done in this life.

I'm going to be quite alone in this battle for sanity that lies ahead of me this school term. Many people will try to be with me, but all they'll do is talk. Talking distracts. They'll distract me!! I wouldn't say that if they pushed me from time to time, but all they do is talk. Except for my dad, who actually sat down to study with me in the second semester of the past term... but that is a burden he shouldn't have carried!!!

Now I'm gonna do this alone. I will forbid anyone to step in my way, and I hope that, specially my father, they understand that it's for my own good, so I can grow up. I know they won't understand, that there will be quarrels in the family, that my father and mother and my sister (damn, I know she'll be in the middle of that!) won't understand, that they won't let me grow... I only wish I could pass/fail alone and be able to say either "Good! I passed 'cause I made the right choice" or "Damn! I failed and I'm eating crap 'cause I didn't listen to them".

The moment when I can say that, I'll be totally happy no matter what I'm saying. But of course, as I'm a (I'm quoting and translating here) "promising young fellow", they will not let me fail... but that will be THEM growing up, Goddamnit!!! Not me!!! so I won't "mature"... fck it all, this is so weird... I seem to understand some things that people don't understand, and it's frustrating 'cause even if I know I'm right it won't be done my way.

So, they won't let me grow some things like responsibility, therefore I won't be able to handle certain situations that are really important to get rich-- which is one of my goals in life. So if they actually do stuff for me they're harming me. I hardly expect anybody to understand all this crap, but it's actually true. I don't know if I'll be able to write something after this, 'cause I may get grownded (that's ridiculous) for something that can't be changed. Yeah, well, at least I've a challenge now. I'll be alright. Thanks to everyone that read this... I hope I'll be able to write something worth reading within some days...

For now, I'll be wandering around the real world... not thinking, just... acting like the normal person I am not and trying my best to get A+ in all my subjects... such a worldly and pathetic end to pursuit in life!!! But I guess I had to be even more pathetic than I am now at some point... that point's this term.